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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Green Assassin Brigade - Discovery

It wasn’t until the next day when my head cleared from the stupor created by 4 Percodan, 3 rum and cokes and the worlds best brownie that I realized what I had done. I’m sure the warnings on the bottle said nothing about “may induce stupidity.”

It all started because of one little slip while commenting on My Blahg. The topic had been why the Harper government was requesting the media supply “valid employment identification for accreditation”.
My Response-

He’s worried about the elite Green Assassin Brigade(GAB), each one of them is trained to garrote a man with a rope made of organic, unbleached cotton. These garrotes are purchased from a fair trade cooperative employing underprivileged orphan cripples in the deepest rain forest.
While notoriously efficient, GAB members almost always get caught fleeing the scene on public transit or while stopping to pick up litter.

I was sure CSIS had already heard the rumours about GAB but never did I imagine that the government would use my confirmation of GABs existence to take action; how wrong I was.

1 week later, deep in the Amazon after a night of licking toads and testing native pharmaceuticals.

Just after feeding the orphans their morning organic gruel with soy milk we heard the first plane fly low over the encampment. The screams were too much to take as dozens of lame and crippled children scrambled into the forest to escape the devastation. At first we expected to be shredded and killed by fire and concussive blasts but the Harper government was far crueler than that. The plane was not the Canadian fighter bomber I half expected but rather a U.S. B52 with a huge hand painted maple leaf plastered over the USAF insignia.(I suspect a world wide anti Green conspiracy is at work) The Bomber let loose its payload consisting of tons of Tim Horton’s roll up the rim cups, cigarette butts, plastic cutlery and those little packets of chemical sweetener.

We are still unsure if this attack was simply a distraction for the second wave or some kind of evil psychological warfare. The depravity of these neo-con merchants of pollution went far beyond our imaginations as we realized the nature of the second attack. Two crop dusters flew in low over the organic cotton fields, the first plane dumped Liberal amounts of Roundup across the crop and our encampment, the second plane seeded our fields with Monsanto genetically modified Canola seed.

One child braved the pesticide over spray and ran back into the communal work hut tearing off her dress as she ran; when she finally made it back to the forest she was damp from the Roundup and was clutching her dress to her chest. Safely away from the carnage she gingerly unrolled the dress to show us the treasure she had run back for. Despite her home being defiled, her crops destroyed and then supplanted by invasive Canola, this brave little girl had risked her health to save the garrottes her collective had been working on.

My one little slip affirming GABs existence has caused a great tragedy, but now that we are known I will endeavour to write of our battle with the dark forces of pollution and resource depletion. The children are being moved, new sources of organic cotton being sourced, new converts are joining the ranks of GAB each day, and my import permit for toads has been held up by customs yet again.

Join GAB, supply safe houses for GAB members, vote GREEN and donate your time and cash. GAB will prevail until someday we can recycle our garrotes into bolo's for the fashion challenged of Texas and Alberta.Recommend this Post

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